Reflecting

I just got back from a rehearsal with the adult wind ensemble that I am apart and can't go to bed until I unleash some thoughts that are going through my head. Justin is fast asleep so I thought "Why not let my blogger reader (ahem, you know who you are) hear my thoughts." :) If you're not interested, you won't hurt my feelings...because I will never know. In the mean time, I will pretend like I have a captive audience.

So, rehearsal ended early tonight and I got to talk with the person who took over my band position in Salem three years ago. He's doing great and a friend of mine - so it was fun to catch up. Our conversation began on the topic of the beginning of school year and recruiting 5th graders - which is insane this time of year. Seriously, there is no harder job - at least in that district. Our conversation then morphed into other aspects of the job and relationship with other teachers. There are many positive things about working in that school district and I will never regret my time there, however I am so thankful for the place I am now in life.

Discussing different situations with my friend made me realize what a different person I am now. Obviously, having a child completely changes a person - but I think other life experiences I have had since that time has changed me as well: Justin joining the military, being "active duty" for a year in Florida, completing my masters degree in music education, learning how to be a stay at home mom, and really diving deeper in my relationship with Christ.

Unfortunately, I am embarrassed to look back and see how competitive and cut-throat I was during my first three years of teaching. I pushed my students a great deal and pushed myself even harder. I always strived to put my best effort forward and was constantly "checking" myself against all the other teachers and bands. I insisted on a quality product and hesitated greatly before I trusted anyone else with my students or other ideas. (OK - big disclaimer: I am definitely not saying these things are wrong, I am just recognizing some personal issues that came along with that) Although I believe the district music supervisor in particular cultivated, encouraged, and even demanded these traits with his teachers - I can now look back and recognize the cons that accompany such behavior.

I am so thankful for where I am right now. I've told people this, but when Justin approached me about joining the military - I was supportive, but hesitant. Wait...let me be honest. I was supportive to his face, but on the side I was desperately praying to God for Him to slam this door shut. Thank you, Jesus, for not answering my prayer in the way I thought it should be!!! If Justin had not joined the military, I would probably still be working in the same position with my eyes focused on one goal: being the best band director I can be - regardless. Instead, God had to take me to Florida to get me to take my eyes off that goal and put them on Him. I had to hand over control of my life (I'm still working on that...daily...) and I am a different person. God has transformed me and wants to continue to grow me up in Him if I will give Him the chance. I am so thankful and amazed how much better His plan is than mine, and I laugh when I think of how I thought I had figured out the way my life would be. I don't know where God will lead me from here. As of now, I fully intend to eventually go back to teaching middle school band. I absolutely loved it. Loved the students, loved the subject, loved the age. However, all I know is that right now I need to let go and let God.

Tonight I was given the unique chance to see what my personality may still be like had I not given up the reigns to my life.